Crazy Patents - Aybey Boran

Patent Number	Title	Summary
5392735	Marine Mammal Communication Device	This Walt Disney patent contains detailed source code (about 17 pages worth) of what basically anounts to a dolphin size keyboard that translates keystrokes into sounds for both humans and other dolphins and perhaps "whales and porpoises" as well. They hope that once trained that a human will be able to simply speak to the Dolphins as well.
7108178	Method of stopping a stolen car without a high-speed chase, utilizing a bar code	The title alone earns the patent a place on this page. Part of the invention also requires that the rear wheel covers have bullets or knives installed in them, however the inventor also offers a method to disable the engine by remote control.
6142880	Method of playing a bowling game	This is basically bowling like it is today, but changing the scoring system to "eliminat[e] the unfair advantage of scoring consecutive strikes with a multiplier effect".
20040161257	Just read Claim 9!	If you are a patent attorney or inventor, you have to read Claim 9 -- hillarious, though perhaps not intended to be. Submitted by Angelo Castellano
5107620	Electrified table cloth	Designed to discourgage bugs from crawling on a table cloth, the electrified table cloth shocks them, much like an invisible dog fence. I'm not sure this idea is so crazy -- if anyone knows where to get one of these, let me know :) Submitted by Karan Morrow.
7062320	Device for the treatment of hiccups	Appears to be a glass that shocks you when you drink from it, ostensibly stimulating specific nerves in an attempt to cure hiccups. Submitted by Carl Palmgren.
4202456	Toy utilizing used, discardable items such as bottle caps and beverage cans	Making building blocks out of bottle caps? Sounds like a good way to cut yourself. OK, stupid invention. That's a given -- most everything on this page is stupid in one way or another. But, here is a legitimate question: Why did someone spend thousands of dollars to patent something whose primary purpose is to use cheap parts available in the home, rather than having to go to the store and buy blocks (are blocks really that expensive?) when the whole idea of the patent essentially means that the inventor can't sell a product, since he is encouraging people to make their own "toy" at home? I suppose he could sell the device that puts the holes in the sides of the caps. Not surprisingly, I've never seen such a device for sale. Perhaps the toy mafia is blocking the commercialization of this patent. Submitted by Oliver Kroth.
6994809	Plug for and method of patching a hole in a wall	Maybe not really crazy, but crazily obvious. This patent shows you how to patch a hole in a wall by cutting out a piece the same size as a pre-formed plug, and then inserting the plug and plastering over it. Isn't that pretty much the way drywall is always patched??? Submitted by Ren Hoek.
3216423	Apparatus for facilitating the birth of a child by centrifugal force	This one is too old to have full-text, so you are going to have to look at the pictures -- but it's worth it. I can't help but wonder if this device was ever actually used? Submitted by Dan.
6360693	Animal Toy	Thanks to Samuel Pai for this submission, which is nearly unbelievable. Claim 1 describes (in fancy language of course), a synthetic STICK. Yes, a stick. I'm not kidding. This patent was applied for in 1999. Do you think anyone had ever conceived of the idea of using a stick (albeit a plastic one) as an animal toy prior to 1999? Check out the front page image -- a picture is worth a thousands words, or in this case, a stick.
5904268	Mug incorporating a simulated artificial horizon	Granted, this isn't very useful, but let me tell you what really worries me about it: I know what I would do with it. I'd sit the cup on my dashboard and use it to see how many G's I could pull while driving. The lure of always going for a new "personal best" would surely be hazardous to one's health. Thanks to Oliver Kroth for submitting this one!
5443036	Method of exercising a cat	In 1993 the USPTO issued this patent for using a laser pointer to exercise a cat (yes, by moving the laser pointer beam around and having the cat chase it). Come on now... Not only is this crazy to patent, but this idea had surely been thought of long before this patent came about. In fact, a bit of research turned up the book "One Hundred and Eighty-Seven Ways to Amuse a Bored Cat" (Ballantine Books; May, 1982) that describes the exact same idea, but using a flashlight. Sorry guys -- the use of a laser pointer for the same thing is obvious. Update: Michael Burns pointed out something truly amazing about this patent. Not only should this patent probay never have been issued, but it appears that the USPTO has issued what is essentially the same patent many times! See: 6505576 Pet Toy 6557495 Laser Pet Toy 6651591 Automatic laser pet toy and exerciser 6701872 Method and apparatus for automatically exercising a curious animal
6826983	Light Bulb Changer	How many machines does it take to change a light bulb? Come on now, who is going to buy a machine, that looks like it weighs 100 pounds and costs plenty, to change light bulbs. How would one even get this contraption up to a light bulb?
6752088	Eating counter apparatus for mobile vending vehicle	This guy must have been sitting around with a hotdog cart, a park bench, and a welding torch, and decided he needed to patent something using only these three things.
6745394	Ballistic resistant body covering	From the picture, one would guess that this is a super hero costume which purports to protect the wearer from bullets. All I can do here is to pray for the test engineers. Good luck pals.
6739074	Tamper Resistant Institutional Shoe And Method	A shoe with a transparent sole to prevent concealing contraband. Don't laugh just yet -- these might be required on planes soon!
6718554	Hands free towel carrying system	A towel with a neck loop. Seriously -- that's all it is. And it took until 2004 to patent such a thing. I wonder what other amazing inventions remain to be discovered???
6711769	Pillow with retractable umbrella	A pillow, with a built-in umbrella to protect the user from the sun. Somehow the idea of having a tanned body and a ghostly white head doesn't appeal to me, but whatever floats your boat.
6659880	Chin Putter	The funny thing about this is that I think the authors take it seriously; it does not seem to be a novelty item.
6650315	Mouse device with a built-in printer	The title is pretty self-explanatory. Yes, it takes very small paper. Maybe it could serve as a label maker -- that's about all I can think of.
6637447	Beerbrella	Keeps the sun off your beer (no, I am not kidding). One would think that those little insulating sleeves would be much more effective, but perhaps they were worried about their beer getting sunburned.
6557994	Stud Spectacles	Eyeglasses that don't need a frame because they attach to body piercings on the face. Yeah
6368227	Method of swinging on a swing	So these fools think that in all the years of swinging no one has ever before thought to pull on the opposite chains and swing form side to side? Well, I guess they got the PTO to issue the patent, so I'm not sure who the fool really is... But, even so, what do these guys expect to do with this anyway? Are they going to go around and collect royalties from kids on the playground?
6035447	Halloween Mask with Flash Device	This guy took a Halloween mask, strapped a light on it and called it a new invention. I know that Halloween is a relatively new holiday compared to some of the others, but I do recall seeing glowing masks well before this patent existed. In fact, I had a Jason mask that glowed when you pushed a button. I bet I know the next patent this guy submitted. He took a tree and stuck some lights and decorations on them and called it a "Christmas Tree." Pure genius.
5971829	Motorized ice cream cone	I am usually a proponent of anything that allows me to do less work, but everyone knows that the best part of eating an ice cream cone is eating the cone and ice cream at the end!
5901666	Pet display clothing	A wearable Habitrail! This is a system of tubes that you can wear around, while your hamster crawls around in them. I have yet to see anyone wearing this, so I am guessing that it wasn't a smashing success at the pet stores (or clothing stores?).
5878931	Halloween Backpack	A backpack that dispenses candy! I'm sure this will be a hot seller at Walmart.
5678617	Method and apparatus for making a drink hop along a bar or counter	This is essentially the same as the fountains that Disney has at Epcot -- controlled streams of water designed to look like that are "jumping" (in this case, into a beer glass). But hey, this probalby IS amusing when you are drunk!
5491007	Carvable Artificial Pumpkin and Method	Who ever said creativity is dead in America? No one who knows the patenter of the Carvable Artificial Pumpkin. This guy took a hollow Styrofoam ball (that may or may not be painted orange) and called it a new invention. Somehow this reminds me of that Saturday Night Live skit with Dan Akroyd playing the crazy defective toy maker. I can just see this product coming with a big butcher's knife for the carving and maybe a bag of glass and nails for this kids to play with.
5265827	Paddle Wheel Plane	Does this thing really fly??? I'd be amazed.
5175571	Subliminal Glasses	Glasses that project subliminal images? They claim to ge a possible aid for everything from quitting smoking, stopping drug and alcohol abuse, and learning. Yeah, because the submliminal tapes that are available work so well
4858627	Smokers Hat	A hat with an air intake, which filters and then expels the air. Looks pretty much like wearing the exhaust hood for a stove on your head.
4553748	Electrostatically Enhanced Game	Unless you take some pleasure out of being shocked or shocking someone else, the Electrostatically Enhanced Game is not for you. I personally could find some joy in shocking my buddy while beating him at Madden, but unfortunately I don't think this is an original invention. I seem to recall a James Bond flick that had a video game like that, and that's kind of sad ripping off Bond.
4455816	Tricycle Lawnmower	No, you aren't misreading anything. This really is a child's tricyle with a lawnmower attached. Real safe, eh?
4432545	Non-lethal cock fighting system	Cock fighting is illegal in the US (except for Louisiana and 1 other state as one of our readers has pointed out). So, these geniuses probably just drew attention to the fact that they are breaking the law. While this is a ridiculous patent, it did give me a idea for my next patent: A Kangaroo Kickboxing Kit.
4344424	Anti-Eating Mouth Cage	Just think Hannibal Lecter
4300473	Device For Moistening The Adhesive Coating On Postage Stamps and Envelopes	Describes a device containing an applicator to moisten stamps. Check out this quote: "The applicator may be in the form of a human tongue" Boy, that's novel.
4233942	Animal Ear Protection	A device for protecting the ears of animals, especially long-haired dogs, from becoming soiled by the animal's food while the animal is eating. Ok, your pet might look better without dirty hair, but it's going to look pretty dumb wearing this thing.